It’s not bullying.
Inflammatory title, I know. Stay with me. In the last few days I have talked to several middle schoolers about conflicts between themselves and peers and I have two things to say. Just two (and some context/research).
It’s Relational Aggression:
My clients and I talk a lot about “social power.” Who has it, how did they get it, who gave it to them, etc. While this is a very abstract conversation, we can all look back (or around) and pinpoint those in our lives who we perceive to hold more power than others in a social landscape. Those with social power wield it per their desires and sometimes people get hurt. Which is when the conversation becomes concrete. The negative behaviors that come along with social power, are called relational aggression (RA). One definition states that RA is a set of, “behaviors aim(ed) at harming and manipulating a person’s interpersonal relations through rumor spreading, social exclusion, or ignoring… (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995; Voulgaridou & Kokkinos, 2015).” Sound familiar?
As a school counselor, I saw these behaviors start as early as Kindergarten. However, they are especially worse during middle school years, ages 10-14ish. What a terrible combination of events. Peers gossiping, isolating, and ignoring you, while you are trying to figure out who you are, why your body is changing, and how to do school for real (among other things). We wonder why we start to see more mental health issues during middle school…duh.
So, what’s the life “hack” here? First, let’s encourage young people to find the peers that treat them with kindness, equality, and respect. Second, let’s show them what that looks like in OUR lives. With our friends, family, and work colleagues. Modeling and a healthy family culture are some of the most powerful influences in our lives when we are young. Third, remind them that it is not their job to “fix” anyone or any situation. It is so kind/brave to stand with your friends in a challenging social situation but none of us can change anyone else at a fundamental level. I remind my clients to have empathy for them while setting boundaries that keep themselves healthy and well.
It’s Emotional Regulation (or lack thereof):
There has been a great deal of content created recently around how our bodies and emotions work together. I love it. I was working with a client the other day and it was clear that their body was dysregulated during a conflict with a peer at school. I could also tell, by the story, the peer was dysregulated. So, here we have two dysregulated middle schoolers trying to handle a conflict fueled by emotions. Whew. (PSA: Please support school counselors) Neither handled it perfectly. They proceeded to hurl hurtful words and threats back and forth.
But, it did not have to go this way!
Let’s say, there is an alternate universe, where middle schoolers are regulated, can identify their emotions, and are allowed to feel/communicate them…
First, they would tune into their bodies to see if they were becoming dysreguated by a big emotion.
(This could look like shallow, quick breaths, warm face, tense body, racing thoughts. When this happens, our brains think that there is a dangerous situation from which we need to defend ourselves. This is so amazing of our bodies, but when we shift away from our thinking brain to our fight/flight/freeze brain, we no longer are able to engage in logical problem solving, clear decision-making, etc.)
Then, they would try to regulate their bodies by taking deep breaths, taking a walk for water, or talking to friends. Saying, “Hey, we need to talk about this but I need a minute.”
After calming their body they would think about how they were feeling and attempt to communicate that to their peer when ready. Saying, “So, I was embarrassed/upset when I found out you didn’t like me the way I like you.” (or something like that).
The other human could then say, “I get that. I was trying to be honest, I didn’t mean to upset you. Hope we can be friends or at least be cool with each other.”
In this alternate universe they may be totally cool or become friends. In our reality, they might not be able to be cool. Today, tomorrow, or ever. Or maybe they will be after some time. Who knows. But, if we can stay regulated, we are more likely to have a positive outcome than if we let our emotions dysregulate us.
Life Hack here: Talk about emotions and how to handle them with the young people you love. Teach them how to be aware of their body and calm their body. Help them practice communicating effectively, with empathy, and without regret. Also, support the administrators, teachers, and school counselors who support young people when this happens daily.
Recap: Some of the challenges you or your child are dealing with is either relational aggression OR negative emotions spewing from a dysregulated human. Ideally, we stay regulated, have empathy for other humans, and communicate effectively.
P.S. Here is a definition of bullying from the APA: “a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.” Very similar for sure, however, typically schools and institutions will correlate the aggression/physical contact more with bullying. RA (IMHO) is more covert and therefore harder to hold behaviors accountable…for now.
Relational Aggression Citations:
Main Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash