Teens Making Decisions
Adolescence can be a frustrating time. Do we want them to make decisions or do we not? Let’s help build skills that will last.
Back in the day I used this quote by author Stephanie Meyer (Twilight) to introduce my unit on developmental psychology. It sparked some really great discussion and highlights a challenging area for teenagers.
“I think being a teenager is such a compelling time period in your life--it gives you some of your worst scars and some of your most exhilarating moments. It's a fascinating place; old enough to feel truly adult, old enough to make decisions that affect the rest of your life, old enough to fall in love, yet, at the same time too young (in most cases) to be free to make a lot of those decisions without someone else's approval.”
The most interesting part to me is where she highlights that teenagers are encouraged to start making decisions for themselves…. yet, most of those decisions have to be run by adults, just to make sure that they are good (“approved”).
That can be a confusing space for young people. For some, the decision and then the corresponding validation can be encouraging. For others, if the adults in their lives question their decisions, invalidate their decisions, or even worse, ridicule their decisions, it can cause a young person to begin to mistrust themselves and their ability to make decisions.
What we have to remember is that until we are around age 22-25 parts of our brains are still developing. The pre-frontal cortex is the part of our brain that controls judgement, organization and decision-making. It, unfortunately, is one of the last areas to finish developing. Until then, much of teenage decision-making is influenced by our very emotional, instinctual, and reactive limbic system. In addition, developmentally, teens are most definitely asking their friends to weigh in on decisions before, but hopefully in addition to, their families.
In order to support the process of decision-making, listen to young people. Talk with them. Work through decisions with them. Take time to ask questions, make a pro/con list, and discuss outcomes. Ask them what their friends think. At the end of the day, listen. Listen and discuss. The time that is taken right now will pay off over and over again in the closeness, mutual respect, and trust within your relationship. It will also arm your child with confidence in themselves and their ability to make decisions in the future.
A different kind of grief
Teens have lost experiences that they have been anticipating for years thanks to COVID.
Typically, when we think of grief we think about death. While there is certainly enough of that kind of news coming in, I would like for you to consider what grief looks like these days...specifically for our young adults.
In the Spring, my seniors lost their beach trip, their prom, and their graduation, just to name a few. This school year, my freshman attended (or virtually attended) a very different school system than the one they anticipated. This years seniors have to re-imagine homecoming, senior nights, and wonder about college admissions in this new era.
These are all losses. Maybe not a physical loss but a loss of what our youth had been looking forward to for five, ten, or possibly even twelve years. We told them our stories of high school, of homecoming, prom, football games, performances, and possibly a party here or there. But, they don’t have that right now. They don’t even know if they will have it. None of us know what high school or college will look like moving forward.
The overall sadness and irritability that you keep hearing about on the news regarding our teens, this is part of that. They have lost the experience that they have been anticipating for years. A change of plan is challenging for some. For others it is disorienting and takes significant support to find motivation to move forward.
Please recognize this loss for the young folks in your life. It is not silly, it is not trivial to them. Keep in mind we all experienced school the traditional way and we can only attempt to understand what they are experiencing. Listen to them and actually hear them. Ask them questions if you are having a hard time understanding. They will remember and it helps to know that you are on their team.
In addition to talking and listening…starting a daily gratitude practice or incorporating positive affirmations could be helpful.
If you, your young person, or family need further support, please call.
Resources:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-i-grieve-if-nobody-died-0314165