Teens Making Decisions
Adolescence can be a frustrating time. Do we want them to make decisions or do we not? Let’s help build skills that will last.
Back in the day I used this quote by author Stephanie Meyer (Twilight) to introduce my unit on developmental psychology. It sparked some really great discussion and highlights a challenging area for teenagers.
“I think being a teenager is such a compelling time period in your life--it gives you some of your worst scars and some of your most exhilarating moments. It's a fascinating place; old enough to feel truly adult, old enough to make decisions that affect the rest of your life, old enough to fall in love, yet, at the same time too young (in most cases) to be free to make a lot of those decisions without someone else's approval.”
The most interesting part to me is where she highlights that teenagers are encouraged to start making decisions for themselves…. yet, most of those decisions have to be run by adults, just to make sure that they are good (“approved”).
That can be a confusing space for young people. For some, the decision and then the corresponding validation can be encouraging. For others, if the adults in their lives question their decisions, invalidate their decisions, or even worse, ridicule their decisions, it can cause a young person to begin to mistrust themselves and their ability to make decisions.
What we have to remember is that until we are around age 22-25 parts of our brains are still developing. The pre-frontal cortex is the part of our brain that controls judgement, organization and decision-making. It, unfortunately, is one of the last areas to finish developing. Until then, much of teenage decision-making is influenced by our very emotional, instinctual, and reactive limbic system. In addition, developmentally, teens are most definitely asking their friends to weigh in on decisions before, but hopefully in addition to, their families.
In order to support the process of decision-making, listen to young people. Talk with them. Work through decisions with them. Take time to ask questions, make a pro/con list, and discuss outcomes. Ask them what their friends think. At the end of the day, listen. Listen and discuss. The time that is taken right now will pay off over and over again in the closeness, mutual respect, and trust within your relationship. It will also arm your child with confidence in themselves and their ability to make decisions in the future.
Going to Extremes
The events of January 6th are obviously at top of mind for many this week. There is certainly blame to go around but, to me, there is something that we have forgotten to talk about. Extremism.
The events of January 6th are obviously at top of mind for many this week. There is certainly blame to go around but, to me, there is something that we have forgotten to talk about.
Extremism.
I am not just talking about terrorism or politics, I am thinking more everyday extremism and how it affects the way we communicate. More importantly, how we model and teach young people to communicate.
Remember, nothing is healthy in extremes…exercising, sleeping, donuts, religion, and especially opinions!
Many people are afraid to talk to their children about political events. I agree that there are some children who, developmentally, cannot fully grasp what is happening within some of these events. However, middle and high schoolers are seeing these events unravel on TikTok, SnapChat, and Instagram without context and/or understanding. This is the time to have conversations about where information comes from and how to challenge and vet sources. Further, this is the PERFECT time to discuss how to have civil discussions about anything! Your children, students, and peers CAN have discussions about challenging subjects. If they cannot have that conversation without shouting, name calling, and anger, then Houston, we have a problem.
In challenging discussions, listening and asking questions are the key. Active listening is listening in which when one person is talking, the other is listening without interrupting, with full attention (no phones/tv for anyone), and nonverbals to show that you are listening. Nonverbals include nodding, leaning in, and eye contact. When the speaker is finished, the listener then asks clarifying questions or summarizes briefly what the speaker has said. (If someone can’t summarize what the other just said, they are simply thinking of what they are going to say next instead of listening. This will not go well, maybe try to discuss again at a later date.) Then, everyone switches roles and so on and so forth. Easy Peasy!
Please don’t underestimate young people. It is a mistake. Now is the time to have these conversations. If they challenge you and ask questions, that is awesome! That means that you have engaged them enough to have further conversation. Listen to them and then together research information on a few different news outlets. At the end, they will come out of your discussion with research skills, skills on how to have a respectful discourse, and most importantly pride in themselves and in you.
After all, isn’t that what we want for the future of our country?
Photo Credit: Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
Active Listening Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/202006/active-listening-skills